*Disclaimer* I would like to apologize to all the people who have been awed by my ability to smile, laugh, make a joke and be strong throughout this whole journey. This entry will shed some light on the other side of things. Everyone has those days when shit hits the fan, everything that can go wrong does, and you lose it!
Here's what happened....
I had a personal pity party! I cried, yelled obscenities, threw things (I was able to muster up some restraint because I only threw the phone and remotes into the couch cushions), called my mom and cried some more and then threw myself on the couch for a good 15 minutes and blubbered into the pillow. Then it was over. I felt much better, although I was exhausted. Crying has always taken a lot of out me. Maybe because when I cry, I really cry. Tears pour out in buckets, my nose runs like a waterfall and my whole body shakes. It is not a pretty site. Thankfully, Frank was still at work when this happened, and I think Hudson was napping (pretty bad I can't keep track of my kid!).
Here's why it happened...
On July 22 I went for my follow-up appointment at Fox Chase. I had to get a current PET scan before the doctors felt comfortable deciding if I should have radiation. I went to the appointment alone (which does not happen often, but I had met everyone before and felt fine with whatever decision would be made). My doctor said my PET scan looked great, no signs of cancer anywhere! That was great news. However, because my cancer is not typical in any way and I am so young, the team felt it would be a good idea to be aggressive (hopefully more so than the cancer) and radiate any possible, invisible cells floating around. I was fine with the decision, made my appointment for my radiation plan and called Frank to give him the update. No big deal, everything was going to be easier than chemo. So I would be tired. I am ALWAYS tired. I will just drink more coffee!
Then I got a phone call which set me on my pity party track. The day after my appointment I had a message from my radiation oncologist. She needed me to call her back as soon as possible (heart and stomach sank, vomit moving up into my throat). When a doctor you needs you to call them back, the news is never anything you want to hear!
My doctor had spoken with her chemist and he was not comfortable radiating over my port. (For those of you just joining this blog...My port was originally inserted on the left, but had to be moved to the right due to infection. The cancer was in my right breast, so now the port is laying right in the radiation area!) I needed to get my port removed immediately or radiation could not occur. It has something to do with the metal inside and the radiation bouncing off of the metal uncontrollably (probably something I would like to avoid!).
Hence the pity party...After hanging up with my doctor, I was in shock, and really angry. What can't anything go smoothly for me? I am so tired of having road blocks throughout EVERY part of this process. Most of the time I laugh it off. Oh well, it is what it is. Not this time. Ten minutes after getting off the phone with Fox Chase, I called the radiation department at Methodist to schedule the appointment for removal. The woman who answered the phone with an attitude, not what I needed. She told me I couldn't schedule, my doctor had to. She actually said, "Who told you to call? You aren't a doctor. (with a tone!)." That was all it took. I began fighting back tears, told the woman she was a bitch and reminded her that she chose a job answering the phone for patients who have health issues and she should really work on her delivery! Then I hung up and called my oncologist's office. Thankfully, the secretary was able to help me out and was very calming as I tried to tell her what I needed through my tears. After I hung up the previously mentioned pity party occurred.
I always try to find the silver lining in all of this cancer crap, so here is what Frank, my husband, helped me realize.
1. I will no longer need to go down to Methodist every 6 weeks to get my port flushed. That means no extra half days off work!
2. I no longer have to worry about Hudson, my son, accidentally hitting, punching, or pushing on my port. Let me tell you, it does NOT feel good.
UPDATE:
I had my port removed on Monday, July 28th with no issues. On Friday, August 1st I had my radiation plan. The planning took about an hour. I already love my tech, Mike. He has a great personality and made the process really easy. I was very stressed out about getting the tattoos (which are used to ensure that the lasers are lined up in the same place for each treatment). He waited to do them until the very end and he talked me through the whole process. They only pinched for a few seconds and are not too ugly. They look like little blue freckles. I already have thousands of brown freckles, so what's a few more dots on my body?
My first treatment will be Thursday, August 14 at 2pm. First treatments take longer and are newbies are scheduled at 2 to make sure they have enough time to get everything done (according to Mike the tech). After that, I will go at 7:45am for 24 more treatments. I should mention that I am going to Fox Chase Buckingham (not Jefferson) which is only about 20/25 mins from my house. I also get to drive on back, twisting, farm roads instead of the highway. WAY LESS STRESSFUL! I should be finished on Sept. 18. Then hopefully all the treatments and surgeries will be over and all I will have to do is go to check-ups and get 1 mammogram, 1 breast MRI and 1 back MRI each year. No biggie!
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